Exclusive IRONIC BIGOTRY MAN script leak!!! Check it out!!!
Posted by Richie on April 1, 2007
Richie here… All I can say is that this looks like PURE COCK FERTILIZER!!! It reminds me of the day I’d just finished geeking out with ELI ROTH over how many Eastern European prostitutes we’d hurled drunken verbal abuse at during the making of HOSTEL IV (juicy!), and I was on my way to meet QUENTIN TARANTINO for dinner, which I’d like to remind you that I do all the time and it’s not a big deal, even though I make a point of describing it in incredible detail regardless of whether it’s relevant to the actual story.
So I met QUENTIN TARANTINO at his house because we’re totally best buddies and none of this is a big deal for me or anything, and we got to talking about how, when you’re a kid, and you’ve just seen GODZILLA VS MEGALON, GODZILLA VS MOTHRA and GODZILLA VS HEDORAH… and you’ve had like a million bowls of frosted cereal with extra sugar… you have to learn to BE THAT KID AGAIN… BUT THIS IS ENTIRELY BESIDE THE POINT!!!
OK – In my hands now, on my monitor, on my desk… is a leaked scene from Dimension’s new IRONIC BIGOTRY MAN project… now I wasn’t sure about this when I first heard of it, because it wasn’t based on a comic book, didn’t star Samuel L Jackson and wasn’t full of gratuitous in-jokes about movies nobody in the target demographic has actually seen, but… if every scene is this good… fuck that, if every scene is HALF this good… this will be SEX GIVEN FORM ON SCREEN! SERIOUSLY, IMAGINE THIS STARRING BRUCE CAMPBELL AND [insert another lazy go-to cult cinema icon here later]!!! This is MULTIPLE ORGASM TERRITORY!!! You wanna know what kind? Like a wet slap of the ass… Like her tongue flicking your earlobe while she says… heh heh… MAN… OK, check this out…
SCENE 1. INT. OFFICE BUILDING, DAY.
A MALE CUBICLE WORKER sits at his desk, typing out a report. A FEMALE CO-WORKER walks over to him and interrupts.
FEMALE CO-WORKER
Johnson, I’ve been looking at the company’s productivity reports, and much of the poor performance is in areas which are your responsibility. I’d like us to discuss how you can improve your team’s performance, at a time that’s convenient for you.
JOHNSON
Yes, ma’am.
Cut to an extreme closeup to Johnson’s eyes. His eyebrows furrow and beads of sweat begin to form on his forehead. We can hear his thoughts in a voiceover.
JOHNSON (V/O)
Dear God, not only does this company employ queers, but they gave a senior position to a woman! I’d give anything to see her humiliated and degraded! But… Can’t… Say… Anything… Or… Else… Reveal… Actually… Sexist… Arsewit! Argh! If only Ironic Bigotry Man were here!
SCENE 2. EXT. A STREET, DAY.
A MAN IN NEAT CASUAL CLOTHING is walking down a quiet suburban street.
NARRATOR (V/O)
To the naked eye, Leon Follicle appears no different to any other law-abiding American citizen…
JOHNSON (V/O)
If only Ironic Bigotry Man were here!
LEON reacts to this psychic call for help.
NARRATOR (V/O)
…But, whenever white middle-class heterosexual male dominance is threatened, Leon reveals his secret identity. For Leon Follicle is… Ironic Bigotry Man!
Leon begins spinning around until he’s a blur. When he stops, he is wearing a filthy singlet with an “I” on it, a plaid shirt, an eyepatch and a pirate hat.
IRONIC BIGOTRY MAN
Arr! Arr! And away!
He flies off into the distance.
SCENE 3. INT. OFFICE BUILDING, DAY.
JOHNSON is still sitting at his desk, sweating. A passing MALE EMPLOYEE stops to talk to him.
MALE EMPLOYEE
I’m getting coffee. Do you want any?
JOHNSON
No thanks.
Another extreme close up of Johnson’s tortured face.
JOHNSON (V/O)
Of course I don’t, you sick fuck! I don’t know where your hands have been! Won’t anybody out there do something about this madhouse?
Off screen, we hear the sound of smashing glass. Everybody in the office turns to face IRONIC BIGOTRY MAN, standing in front of a broken window.
EMPLOYEE #1
Is it a database manager?
EMPLOYEE #2
Is it a software engineer?
EMPLOYEE #3
No! It’s Ironic Bigotry Man!
IRONIC BIGOTRY MAN
No time for small talk – white middle-class male heterosexual dominance is in danger!
Ironic Bigotry Man walks over to the FEMALE CO-WORKER.
IRONIC BIGOTRY MAN
Hey, sweet tits! How about getting that baby-factory back in the kitchen and making me some beef jerky – the food of pirates! Arr!
FEMALE CO-WORKER
Go away.
IRONIC BIGOTRY MAN
I said beef jerky, bitch! Now get moving or I’ll punch you in the ovaries!
EMPLOYEE #1
Watch, as he punches her in the ovaries using only his bare hands!
FEMALE CO-WORKER
That’s assault!
IRONIC BIGOTRY MAN
No it isn’t! For, you see, I am being ironic!
EMPLOYEE #2
See how he uses irony to shield himself from danger!
FEMALE CO-WORKER
Ironic! Curses! You’ve won this round!
EMPLOYEE #3
With the power of irony on his side, Ironic Bigotry Man is impervious to all criticism and need never accept responsibility for his actions!
IRONIC BIGOTRY MAN
That’s right! If you’ve got a problem with my racist, sexist, homophobic, demeaning hate-speech, it’s because you don’t have a sense of humour! Which is obvious, since you’re a woman, and women can never be funny because they don’t have personalities.
FEMALE CO-WORKER
Foiled again!
JOHNSON
Yeah, you tell that stuck-up whore, Ironic Bigotry Man!
IRONIC BIGOTRY MAN
Now, now. I hope you don’t REALLY think she’s a stuck-up whore.
JOHNSON
Uh, no. I was being ironic!
Johnson winks at the camera.
IRONIC BIGOTRY MAN
That’s the spirit! Now, I must go. But remember: Whenever somebody says that using “gay” when you mean “stupid” is marginalizing and degrading to homosexuals, I’ll be there. Whenever it’s suggested that rape isn’t an appropriate subject for undergraduate comedy, I’ll be there. Whenever you need to defend your desire to watch women torn apart in car wrecks in slow motion as “retro”, I’ll be there. Until then… Quit talking, bitch! Arr!
EVERYBODY
Our hero!
Ironic Bigotry Man flies out the window. Johnson spits on Female Co-Worker. Ironically.
(All characters and events portrayed are fictitious, especially the bits that are clearly based on popular internet writers. Happy April).
stormy said
Ah, the rads just pulled a good one on some religious/MRA types. One clever rad had set up a blog that was supposed to a female ‘anti-feminist’. Lots of talk about God, and The Right Way To Live (homosexuality was a choice, and they could just change back right?!). And of course it had to be anti-abortion. I reposted my comment from the previous thread with the added HTML tags to reveal “the code”. It was a hoot.
Sara no H. said
Ugh … I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know what inspired this, but at the same time, the morbid curiosity is almost overwhelming…
Richie said
Aint it Cool News, Maddox, every “DUH CAN’T YOU TAKE A JOKE?” comment I haven’t bothered approving because they’re so inane, and the internet in general.
I thought the Harry Knowles thing was going too far, but then I read his Snakes on a Plane review…
…and figured I probably gone far enough.
cellycel said
I’m sorry to tell you ironic bigotry man, but you’re actually just ‘lying bigotry man’ and what you say isn’t ironic at all. That’s right, I’m calling you out on it. You’re lying.
“Irony, sarcasm, satire indicate mockery of something or someone. The essential feature of irony is the indirect presentation of a contradiction between an action or expression and the context in which it occurs. In the figure of speech, emphasis is placed on the opposition between the literal and intended meaning of a statement; one thing is said and its opposite implied, as in the comment, “Beautiful weather, isn’t it?” made when it is raining or nasty.”
If you’re not presenting me with a contradiction, and not emphasizing the opposition beetween intended and literal meaning then guess what! You’re not being ironic! You’re just being a bigot.
Richie said
You have discovered Ironic Bigotry Man’s only weakness: Real irony.
cellycel said
You see, I am ironic bigotry mans arch nemisis, it is my duty to exploit this weakness and bring him down. He’s a wily one though, and keeps reappearing.
Does that make me the hero, or villian in this tale?
Richie said
Hero to everybody sensible.
cellycel said
*Continues to fight to truth, justice, and for people to stop abusing the word irony*
Richie said
Can I be your sidekick?
cellycel said
Sure, as your first side-kickly duty, I suggest you create some badass names for us.
Grace said
Dammit I missed the chance for a blogging April fool…I couldn’t think of anything witty! I did pretend there was a spider under the bed though – Dee hates spiders but has been brought up to be chivalrous in the face of creepy crawlys because his mum can’t stand them either…mwahhahahahaha.
Irony is brilliant, but is always misused by people when trying to say that their sick humour or positive attitude towards bigotry is ironic, but they never say things in an ironic way! From cellycel’s description – isn’t “wow I feel so empowered” with the image of Tony Blairs head stuck on a blow up doll (a la NW feminist action) a good example of irony? I’m just trying to make sure I understand it =)
Chuh I choose to believe that the phrase ‘geeking out’ came from The Incredibles, even if it was around way before that because Syclone saying “i’m still geeking out about it” is H I L ari O U S.
[me thinks I have some menzz being sarcastic on my blog, and they're also threatening to level Birmingham *grumble* must get on with work now!]
nightgigjo said
Oh, Richie love, you just made my day. I will now be SO TEMPTED to call people Ironic Bigotry Man!
Stuff like this makes me happy. Who cares if it’s In Lieu of Actual Content. ^^
stormy said
All this talk of superheroes, just makes me feel *empowered*. Quick! Where’s my (dancing) pole?!
I blame the original Dynamic Duo (not the yet unnamed kickass ones).
Did Heff really steal The Grotto idea from The Batcave?
cellycel said
@Grace: Yes, the ‘wow I feel so empowered’ is irony of the real kind. It’s indicating mocking Tony Blair, It’s presenting a contradiction (That stripping is empowering, when in fact, it isn’t.) The naked, unempowered body emphasizes the point.
Classic Irony.
Richie said
Acumen Girl and Perspicacity Lad?
stormy said
Badass cool.
Thought of any outfits yet? (somewhat mandatory in the superhero world)
Grace said
No capes!
Ok now I really want to watch The Incredibles…whatever your opinion on the film you can’t deny that Edna Mode kicks ass. Ashamedly I had to look up both those words! I think they’re entirely suitable though (and i’m not being ironic
)
stormy said
May I suggest ‘sensible footwear’?
Capes are certainly optional, however, nothing says “superhero” like a cape (although, spiderdude didn’t have one did he?).
Go with comfy.
cellycel said
I knew the word acumen, but perspicacity was a new one for me.
Most modern hero’s don’t seem to wear capes, but I like them. Comfortable non lycra, non underwear on the outside outfits sound good to me.
stormy said
Yeah, what’s up with that underwear-on-the-outside thang anyway?
Even getting dressed in the dark, well let’s face it, surely it’s just a memory issue?
Richie said
I have a date with Bruce Wayne.
Inspector Columbo said
Ah yes, the discovery about 10 years ago or more(gawd has it really been that long?) when lad’s mags first made an appearance – I remember fondly and in a haze of pre-interntet complacency the word “ironic” being used to describe these mags by the publishers- it was all in the glory days of post-feminist (2nd wave) feelings of failure and just before the crap called 3rd wave feminism (which is really just male-defined feminsm- ironic – oops, there’s that word again – that men can define feminism eh?) Irony, Irony, Irony – we just love it – I felt so ironic all the times I was sexually molested and raped – wow – is that what that feeling was? Sheesh. I laugh and think to myself when I come face to face with the blatant misogyny on the fronts of tabloids and lad’s mags – I skip off merrily safe in the knowledge that it’s ok – it’s all ironic.
Ps- Ironic Bigotry Man is IBM for short – is there an irony there?
belledame222 said
Okay, that’s fucking brill.
Nationwide is sort of on the side of African-Americans now, too | the Hathor Legacy said
[...] actress does. I’m not sure Nationwide meant it as a parody. It may have been intended as an ironic send-up of a stereotype, but everyone knows irony is tricky and you shouldn’t attempt it unless you’re damn [...]
bg said
Hey, I’m over here from Feminist Gamers, and I have to say that this is one of the most accurate condemnations of Harry Knowles ever. Hell, you might have done Harry better than Harry. Either way, you did your part in trying to convince the world at large not to pay attention to that piece of shit anymore, and for that, I salute you.
Oh, and the stuff about morons hiding behind irony was good, too, but I just have a much more personal grudge against Knowles.