More Zoo Weekly classiness, AKA “I spent $1.95 on this shit and I’m going to get my money’s worth”
Posted by Richie on April 26, 2007
Because if anybody’s in a position to complain about crass, offensive mass media, it’s sodding Zoo Weekly.
“No fat chicks”. Psh, predictable, although they bonus arsewit points for the casual racial slur. BRING FORTH THE HOMOPHOBIA!
I’m going to skip over this as quickly as possible, because it’s giving me flashbacks to There’s Something About Miriam. Actually, I may as well get this out of the way and explain There’s Something About Miriam, because I mentioned it a while ago and non-UK / Australian readers had no idea what I was talking about.
Essentially, half a dozen twits competed for the attention of a Mexican model called Miriam in a Bachelor-style reality TV series… But what these tanked-up bovver boys didn’t know was that Miriam was transsexual! Fooled you! It’s not a real woman at all, just a hideous sideshow freak. The men then bonded through their mutual sexual insecurity. This was all played for laughs. Because transphobia is so damn funny. What japes.
A few years ago, I told a transsexual friend of mine about the series. She cried for fifteen minutes.
(PS. If Nadia won, how does that equate to “viewers reaching for the remote”?)
True lost dog story: A few weeks ago, I was walking home through the cemetery after dark (It’s just a shortcut; I dropped all my goth trappings about five years ago, when it became clear I naturally looked shit in eyeliner and it wasn’t just that I was bad at applying it) and was stopped by a couple who said they’d lost their dog, and asked if I could tell them if I saw it on my way through. After leaving the cemetery without seeing any dogs, I turned the corner into my street and came across a small white terrier resembling an ambulant mop which I’d never seen in my area before. As soon as it saw me, it immediately ran up and started pawing at my legs. “Ah”, I thought, “This is the lost dog”. It started trailing me, so I walked back to the cemetery, and it followed me all the way without any prompting. Yes, this was definitely it. A few minutes later, I met up with the couple and presented them with the dog.
“That’s not it”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Ours is a greyhound”
I stood there for a few minutes with no idea what to do, while the dog stared up at me with a “Gosh, this is exciting! Where are we going next?” expression. I decided to walk back home, dog in tow, hoping it would go back to whatever it was doing before I unintentionally abducted it. When we got back to my street, it immediately bolted off around the corner, and I never saw it again.
Not only did I not get a sympathy shag or meet any hotties, but I missed the first fifteen minutes of Media Watch, which is upsetting because I enjoy taking part in the deconstruction of mass media, and I also fancy Monica Attard.
Under most circumstances I’m all for attacks on Gretel Killeen, who I find completely unbearable to the point where I literally feel physically sick after about thirty seconds exposure to her. To put that in perspective, I own Battlefield Earth and have watched it several dozen times. The casual bigotry of the headline is, of course, fairly disgusting, but this is Zoo and I’d expect no less. The real problem, though, is that they attack Killeen’s appearance. This really isn’t fair, since there’s so many real reasons to hate the inane, prattling, self-obsessed, willfully stupid, Big Brother-hosting, facile, superficial, insincere… Sorry, went off on a tangent there ^_^
Also… Pre-op? We’re looking at her face, not her underwear. Actually, if I may digress once again: Until late last year, I was working with a writer / director on a series of untitled film projects. He was a very, very bad writer, both technically and creatively, and insisted on replacing every half-decent idea with people sitting around coffee shops discussing their personal problems at length, despite none of these problems being in any way interesting and the characters’ vocabularies consisting almost entirely of “Yeah”. One of his many hilarious sub-plots involved a male character picking up a woman at a bar, but later discovering she’s “a pre-op transvestite”.
“Do you mean transvestite or transsexual?”
“Nobody’s gonna fuckin’ care. You’re being too picky”
I kind of hope his suburban angst / homophobia epic is realised one day, because then everybody will say it’s crap and he’ll stop assuming I’m just annoyed at him for cutting so much of my stuff.
Yes, your girlfriend is the one who’ll be freaked out by the other man, not you. The thought of another man’s nude, sweaty, writhing body rubbing up against yours is of no concern to you. It’s just that she might get a bit freaked out. Nice one, Russ.
Hang on… Is the implication here that she wants Aussie Zoo dick because it’s bound to be smaller?
OK, what is it precisely that makes Paris Hilton “bad”? She’s obviously “bad” in the qualitative sense of being a waste of space (Yes, I know she’s scarily thin, but that’s her body rather than her actual presence, which is an Akira-style ever-mutating mass of tentacles that threatens to engulf Neo Tokyo), but I’m assuming they mean “bad” in a rebellious or possibly evil way, in which case… What? All she is is a stupid person who thinks they’re being clever by pretending to be a very stupid person, which isn’t so much “bad” as it is tedious. I’m tempted to say that I do want to bang her head repeatedly with a blunt object, but that’s just buying into what her publicists want, and holding her responsible for The Simple Life makes as much sense as holding the contestants responsible for Search for the Next Doll. Can’t we just focus our energy on the government of Uzbekistan or something?
Meanwhile, move over IRIS Network, there’s some new girl gamers in town. And they just love playing with each other’s X-Boxes, fnarr fnarr.
That brings us to the end of the issue. It may make a reappearance if I can think of an entertaining way of destroying it. I’m open to suggestions, provided they don’t involve too much fire.