This post cost my entire weekly food budget
Posted by Richie on May 4, 2008
Yes, of course I did.
I don’t actually know what you’re meant to do in this game because I can’t be bothered unpacking most of it, much less reading the instructions. The only thing I have bothered unpacking is the box of cards upon which the laws that have never been written down have been written down, but in the interests of fairness I’ll try extrapolating as much as I can from this ad. From the top…
1) ‘The most controversial conversation game in years’.
The key attraction of conversation games is - according to Wikipedia, the only source I can be arsed citing right now - ‘their ability to be played almost anywhere with almost anyone and for their ability to generate conversation’. A cursory glance at the contents of Man Laws and Woman Rules (RRP $49.95 AUD) reveals that literally hundreds of small paper cards of various types are required to play, along with placemat things, a scorecard and a pencil. Not even Dungeons & Dragons needs that much stuff, provided you’re not picky about cartography. Is that why it’s controversial? It’s certainly not because of the gender politics, which even the ad admits is something we’re conditioned into accepting since childhood. Patriarchy attacks, roll 14+ on 2D8 to resist.
2) ‘Man Laws and Woman Rules’.
It took me a while to pick up on the choice of words used here. Men get “Laws”, suggesting something primal, immutable and ultimately there for our own good. Women, however, get “Rules”, suggesting something arbitrary, petty and restrictive. Laws stop society degenerating into a Mad Max knockoff; Rules stop you from eating dinner on the couch when Mum’s looking.
3) ‘…certain bi-laws…’.
The laws / rules are staunchly heteronormative, thus ensuring none of the hypothetical situations arising from their application will be in any way interesting. “Bi Laws”, though? That’s got promise. I’d buy it right away, and my interest in cock is purely academic.
4) ‘This is a board game that will indentify who actually follows these rules and just how goofy the opposite sex think they are for doing it’.
Leaving aside that “indentify” isn’t even in the Wiktionary… The implication here is that men and women split into camps at the dawn of time and came up with their laws / rules independently, and compliance is totally voluntary. At the risk of spoiling things, one of the Woman Rules is ‘Good girls don’t sleep around’. Yeah, women totally came up with that one. They’re so goofy!
5) “WHO HAS THE WIERDEST RULES… MEN OR WOMEN”
WHAT IS THIS COPYWRITER WORSE AT… SPELLING OR PUNCTUATION
* * *
Right, on to the Man Law / Woman Rule cards. There are, according to the back of the box (which I read on the tram, but only because the man next to me was either asleep or dead) one-hundred-and-fifty of the fucking things, divided into cards which detail said laws / rules, and cards which posit a hypothetical situation in which the laws / rules should be applied, complete with multiple choice answers to ensure nobody inadvertently says anything interesting.
I’m not going to go through all of them, obviously. Despite not knowing how you actually play the game, I notice that the box the cards come in has “DRAW CARDS HERE, REPLACE AT BACK” on it, which is as good a system as any.
MAN LAW CASE #2320
A man at work is bragging about his son’s athletic prowess. Your son is an accomplished ballet dancer. Since the Man Law states “A man shall not wear tights”, do you…
a) Brag about his dancing.
b) Lie and tell him he plays football.
c) Just listen and say nothing.
Yes, it is all this bad, so get comfy. What’s interesting is that there are two other Man Laws implied here, namely “It’s OK to be ashamed of your son if people might think he’s a poof” and “Literally every facet of life, even things that don’t directly involve you, must be turned into cock-posturing”. These don’t feature in the game, as they are clearly not goofy enough.
WOMAN RULE CASE #2966
All your mate seems to talk about is his car and all things automotive. Since the Woman Rule states, “A woman shall act interested when a man speaks”, do you…
a) Try to listen while being secretly thankful he’s not twins.
b) Ask him to drive you to the mall in it.
c) Distract him by getting his motor running.
Oh look, two unspoken Woman Rules: “Women have absolutely no interest in anything mechanical” and “The only place women are interested in going is the mall, where they have OMG cute shoes ^_^”. I also have a feeling that “Women saying one thing when they mean another because they’re all inherently deceptive” may become a recurring theme before long.
WOMAN RULE
A woman over the age of 39 shall lie about her age.
I promise these are being drawn at random.
MAN LAW
A man shall have a nickname for his private parts.
In all seriousness, does this ever happen outside of sit-coms and high school coming-of-age movies…? I spent my entire adolescence being forced to socialise with large numbers of hormonal males who were convinced nobody under 25 had ever masturbated before, but this was never even mentioned in passing. Granted, it’s not the sort of thing that conversations naturally drift toward - “So, I’ve decided to nickname my penis “Sir Poke-a-lot”, how about you?” - but there were so many rambling, obviously-fabricated stories revolving around their dicks that it should have come up at least once, surely? There were change rooms and everything. I’d be grateful if anybody out there could provide real-world evidence, if only so I know whether to feel cheated or bewildered.
MAN LAW
A man shall not play a board game “just for fun”. A man shall play to win.
As anybody who’s babysat knows, the most competitive board game players on Earth are actually five-year-old girls. Sarah, if you happen to be reading this in the distant future, I threw all those games of Mousetrap to stop you getting grumpy. If it makes you feel any better, my dog is probably dead by now.
WOMAN RULE CASE #3704
Your brother-in-law constantly looks at your chest instead of your face when speaking to you. Since the Woman Rule states “A woman shall protest being treated as an object”, do you…
a) Lift his chin and tell him your eyes are up here.
b) Ignore it. After all, they’re just breasts.
c) Tell your sister to make her husband stop being a boob.
The question which immediately springs to mind is”Why does it specifically have to be your brother-in-law?”, but not so fast! The answer, implied in c), is that it’s up to women to ensure their partners don’t act like teenagers in public, and this way you know exactly what woman to shame, since it’s her fault. The only response which actually addresses him is a), which seems (again) to be drawn from sit-coms rather than anything that might conceivably happen in reality. My girlfriend suggested “d) Knee him in the bollocks”, but she’s probably PMSing or some shit AM I RIGHT, FELLAS? 
WOMAN RULE CASE #1523
A woman with a gorgeous body likes to parade around the locker room naked. Since the Woman Rule states “A woman should practice modesty in public”, do you…
a) Refer to her behind her back as a “hussy and a show-off”.
b) Stuff a large sack of towels in her locker.
c) Secretly wish you were her.
Even if we do take the Woman Rule as read… it’s a locker room. It’s got naked people in it. It’s not public. It’s not public because it’s got naked people in it. Expecting “modesty” in such a place is ridiculous even by this game’s super-ridiculous standards of ridiculousness. No, wait… Upon re-reading, the Woman Rule doesn’t match up with any of the answers at all, unless you re-write it as “A woman shall embrace and police the virgin / whore dichotomy, even when there are no men around, but only because she’s jealous of other women being hotter than her”. Rrrrow!
MAN LAW
A man shall assume that any woman who initiates contact with him in a bar is looking for sex.
So if a woman gets raped by some guy she met in a bar and is told that it was her own fault for hanging around a bar in the first place, that’s “goofy”, is it?
WOMAN RULE
A woman shall be able to tell the difference between the color aqua and the color teal.
My girlfriend can’t do this and I can, which she finds hilarious and I find mystifying. They’re totally different colours with about as much in common as purple and red. AQUA (#00FFFF). TEAL (#008080). See? SEE? I know men have an exponentially higher rate of colour blindness than women, but come on. Aqua and turquoise, now that I’d understand. Although, as a progressive, I don’t see colour.
WOMAN RULE CASE #2156
Your husband always finishes your jokes because he believes he is funnier. Since the Woman Rule states, “A woman shall have a right to speak”, do you…
a) Give him the silent treatment. After all he wanted you to stop talking.
b) Tell everyone, “He’s really funny when he’s naked”.
c) Cut him off in the bedroom until he stops cutting off your conversation.
Get this, women have a right to speak! Thanks, board game. Except, hang on, two of the three possible answers involve being passive-aggressive rather than speaking, and the other one doesn’t address the actual problem. Wait, a man wrote these questions…? Another suggested d): “Tell him he’s not funny and he should shut the fuck up because it’s embarrassing, then dump him for somebody less obnoxious”. That would be misandry, though.
MAN LAW CASE #1492
Your best friend begins to cry while telling you about his girlfriend dumping him. Since the Man Law states, “A man shall not cry”, do you…
a) Tell him to act like a man & snap out of it.
b) Make sure no one is watching while you give him a hug.
c) Leave him to his misery, then later act like it never happened.
I think you’ll find the Man Law actually states “Emotionally-vulnerable men might give you the gay”.
WOMAN RULE CASE #1777
Your best friend has just introduced you to her extremely gorgeous new boyfriend. Since the Woman Rule states, “A woman shall flirt whenever she wishes”, do you…
a) Act polite, but keep your distance.
b) Bat your eyes and do some mild advertising.
c) Dangle the carrot, but keep the rabbit in the cage.
What board games have taught us tonight: While practicing modesty in public and calling each other hussies, women still find time to flirt with everything with a Y-chromosome. They don’t do this because they actually want sex, though, they just get a kick out of dangling carrots in front of men, because women are evil. Maybe if they didn’t act like this, men wouldn’t be forced to grope them in public. Little tip there, ladies.
MAN LAW
A man shall never be required to sew.
But what if he’s in the middle of a war zone and has to stitch his forearm back together after manfully gurning and saying “It’s only a flesh-wound, commander - now get the girl out of here while I draw their fire”? What then? Did you think about this at all?
MAN LAW
A man shall make more money than his woman.
“I want to be able to economically coerce you ’cause I’m such a big ol’ goof”.
MAN LAW
A man is required to strongly object to a woman competing in a male dominated sport.
ie. every sport other than jelly wrestling. Don’t blame men, though; they’re required to object and it’s not like it’s a conscious choice that reinforces institutionalised prejudice. If she’s hot then I guess it’s OK for a bit.
MAN LAW
A man’s expectations from his date shall be directly proportional to the expense of the date.
I’m sorry, but this is just scary. Having just broken 2000 words, I’m going to use this as an excuse to stop the post before I start considering the implication of “expectations” and… Nope, too late.
I could have bought something good, but where’s the fun in that?
May 4, 2008 at 10:56 pm
You could have bought food, yes, but that would have taken so much joy from my weekend. You are truly thinking of the other and doing of the service.
See, I think I actually love that shit like this exists, because I can take it and show it to people who run around with their harmlessly reductive gender essentialist attitudes and mock me for getting all feminist on their asses and just lay the whole system of bullshit out for them. With flash cards.
Because “wierd” is just such a great way to describe such silly, girly rules as “Women shall not want to be treated like objects” and “women shall have a right to speak”. I’m really glad you bought this game, Richie, because I didn’t even realize until I read it that I have such thoughts, and that they are based on my irrational gender-training. Here I’ve been treating them as “human rights” when what they are is unwritten rules imprinted upon me via a combination of the way I was potty trained and that crazy menstruation-appreciation ritual I went through when I was 13.
May 5, 2008 at 2:57 am
Oh my goodness …. where do you find this stuff?
“Men get “Laws”, suggesting something primal, immutable and ultimately there for our own good. Women, however, get “Rules”, suggesting something arbitrary, petty and restrictive.”
There’s also that obnoxious romantic advice book for women, “The Rules”.
I’m not even sure what to say about the rest of it. I don’t even know where to start
May 5, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Wow. Just wow. I have no words. NO WORDS.
“A woman shall act interested when a man speaks” …. O_o
“A woman should practice modesty in public” “A lesbian shall never exist!”
The rest is just… “a woman has rightz!” “a man is not a puss!”
WOW.
May 5, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Yeah, what they said. This one is the one I have the hardest time making non-feminists see:
So many simply cannot see that the “money is power” equation that rules the rest of our society also rules in the home. Even if they have a joint account, one can instruct one’s employer to credit a different account any time one wants, and even if this is never said everyone understands it.
May 5, 2008 at 11:59 pm
I can say with 100% certainty that I would hate this game. Let’s have our game lead people to have sterotypical lives even more now. Great.
I also hate the game, because esentually “man rules” are the same as the (horrible) issue of the “man card”. Sorry, but talking about cars more than two minutes bores me to death.
“A woman should practice modesty in public”:
As you said it’s a locker-room which makes the whole point terrible. Guess they expect people to go into their locker (a-la Screech from Saved by the Bell) to change, thus keeping their “modesty”.
May 6, 2008 at 7:51 am
Holy Deity In Which I Don’t Believe.
The rape apologies ASTOUND. And that’s just a few cards. I’d hate to see what a full survey would reveal.
You got the first two spot on, but this series needs completion.
a) All women don’t understand tech.
b) All women like shopping.
c) All women are good for is sex.
C) is particularly revealing, actually. What it translates to is “Men will only pay attention to women if they’re acting out their roles as members of the sex class.”
This is, of course, also a lie, attempting to give women the (very mistaken) impression that one of Teh Menz will pay attention to them (i.e., treat them like a human being, listen to them, whatever) if they’re offering sex. Nope, if he’s prattling on about something you’re not interested in (be it his car or last year’s tax returns) and doesn’t bother to notice you’re not interested, you won’t have any more of his attention during sex, either.
Simple logic == comedy gold.
May 6, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I have more trouble with teal and turquoise. I guess turquoise is lighter?
Funny how most of the man rules are about how they are required to be jerks and the woman rules are largely divided between how women have actual human rights and how women have no human rights.
May 6, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Oh Christ, I went through them again and found one that said “When a woman says “No”, she means “Maybe”".
May 7, 2008 at 12:05 am
Well you could always try to get your money back by sueing them for….something. Emotional distress? Bad Spelling? Exploding your head by the utterly ludicrous promotion of gender stereotypes?
Meerkat - teal is just a posher word for turquoise. It’s like saying ‘taupe’ instead of beige (ok I’m frightening myself now).
May 7, 2008 at 1:55 am
If only I were woman, then I could file a fraudulent sexual harassment suit and make millions.
May 7, 2008 at 6:06 am
[...] finished reading this post all the way through …and I can already tell you that it is one in a long line of posts that has made me love Richie. You would think that making fun of overtly sexist stuff (games, pop [...]
May 8, 2008 at 3:15 pm
It’s just so bad in so many ways. Why did someone think this was a good idea? Is there somewhere that starting fist fights is considered a good “conversation game” strategy? I… I don’t even know what to say here.
Other than that no one had better be finishing my stories because they think they’re funnier. That’ll get you killed in my family.
Polly Styrene: Teal isn’t just a posher word for turquoise. Teal has more green and a lower saturation than turquoise, although both are at different locations of the cyan spectrum. Since people sometimes use turquoise to mean whatever they want, it’s easier to tell how different they are based on their complimentary colours: turquoise’s is middle orange (yellowish) while teal’s is coral pink. Also beige is supposed to be a yellowish brown where taupe has grey tones so there is an overlap, but taupe is always much darker unless there’s a modifier like ‘pink’ or ’sand’ in the name.
Yes I’m aware I’m a huge geek. And not even the cool kind.
May 8, 2008 at 11:20 pm
The same shop sold “Sex Dice”. It’s all relative.
May 10, 2008 at 6:30 am
What’s interesting (by which I mean absolutely, abhorrently disgusting) to me is that all of the “Woman Rules” are just what men want women to do. So, really, the whole game is “Man Laws” because “woman rules” — rules that women themselves instituted, abide by, and believe in for their own pleasure/safety — DON’T EXIST.