Lesbian Vampire Killers: Highlights From The Imaginary Commentary Track

What I think the creators were thinking, probably.

0:00:37: The fantasy-horror genre gives filmmakers a mandate to deal with concepts that contemporary society is scared of addressing, which is why we made a film about how two chicks kissing is kinda hot, but actual lesbians are man-hating bitches who deserve to die. This scene of the vilainess decapitating a group of men with an axe in front of a blood-coloured moon originally featured a giant flashing caption reading “SHE’S ON THE BLOB”, but we thought it gave too much away too soon.

0:01:59: To prove we’re not just hacks, our villainess is the legendary Carmilla, an authentic raunchy man-hating lesbian vampire from the folklore of ancient Europe. Several people later pointed out to us that Carmilla is actually a novel from the late 19th century in which all the lesbianism is implicit and neither woman actually hates men, but if they’re offended by us using it as the basis of a homophobic exploitation movie then I guess there’s just no hope for them. It was also pointed out that cursing “your daughters, and your daughters’ daughters” to become lesbians would actually kill off the bloodline within a few generations, but we still got a four star review in Nuts. So who’s laughing now?

0:02:38: Now that the prologue’s over, we reach the present day and discover that one of our heroes, Jimmy, is being dumped by his girlfriend. Given that she’s a one-dimensional harridan with no purpose outside of emasculating Jimmy for kicks, attentive viewers may suspect that she’s actually one of the lesbian vampires in question. She’s not, though. This is just how women are.

0:04:37: We made sure the title sequence was as accurate as possible a recreation of what people who’ve never seen old horror movies think old horror movies looked like, only a lot less interesting. And since we envisioned Lesbian Vampire Killers as a horror-comedy, meaning it can comfortably fall between the two stools and get away with unadulterated mediocrity, who better to play the lead roles than the stars of Gavin & Stacy?

0:05:56: One of the key stages of Joseph Campbell’s monomyth is “The Call to Adventure”. The most famous on-screen example was in 1977, when Obi-Wan Kenobi handed Luke Skywalker his father’s sword and asked him to continue a cross-generational battle against evil. In 2009, however, audiences are more media-savvy and don’t require that level of detail, so we just got a low-rent Nick Frost clone to say “We need fannny. Loads and loads of fanny”.

0:14:30: We searched worldwide to find the perfect actresses with which to bring to life four interchangeable meat-puppets whose only purpose is to get their tits in shot as often as possible before dying horribly. Some people might call this a reactionary, misogynistic throwback to attitudes we should have left behind by now, but they forget that this film is an homage. We don’t really hate women, we just find hating women entertaining, lucrative and sexually-arousing.

0:16:47: Upon finding thesmselves in a tavern filled with middle-aged men rather than cabin filled with nubile, heaving breasts with women attached, the characters and the audience are likely to be disappointed. We saw this coming, however, and made sure that Fletch says “They’re just blokes, like you and I. They like a beer. Enjoy a sit down. They’re my kind of people. I can relate to them”, thus reminding the audience of all the great manly things that women are biologically incapable of doing, like being entertaining and having personalities.

0:21:18: A van full of vulnerable young women breaks down on a dark and stormy night! In any other movie such a scene would be a work of abject laziness, but because we were winking as we wrote it it’s actually a post-modern self-reflexive comment on genre conventions. That’s the magic of film. And smugness.

0:25:14: Because the women in the van had been portrayed as vaguely sympathetic in the previous scene, we decided to bring the story back on track by inserting an utterly pointless cutaway of this man calling them “Cold, bewitching demons, every last one”.

0:26:49: As this is the last scene before the vampires attack, we felt it was important to give the women some much-needed character development.

0:28:13: The scene explaining why a cabin with hot and cold running water and a working shower has an outside toilet was cut for reasons of pacing.

0:30:43: This pivotal scene establishes that Jimmy, being a nice guy, has a thing for Lotte, the only girl who hasn’t revealed any cleavage yet, hasn’t been involved in any bisexual-chic bump’n'grind and is described as being “pure”. Fletch, on the other hand, wants the one with the big honkers.  Audiences may think they know which woman is going to survive to the end credits and which one is going to be hacked to pieces for being a dirty slut, and they’re absolutely right.

0:38:25: The susceptibility of vampires to sunlight was first introduced in the 1922 film Nosferatu, but has now become so ubiquitous that people assume it was always a part of the mythology. We hope our own addition – lesbian vampires exploding in fountains of white liquid when impaled on shafts – proves just as influential, especially since metaphorically raping lesbians to death doubles as a perennial male-bonding activity.

0:42:26: When Jimmy’s distraught ex-girlfriend appears and asks him to take her back, we were worried that the audience might feel bad for her, so we included this scene of Lotte ranting about how much she hates her. Why does Lotte feel such loathing for a woman she’s never made eye-contact with and only been aware of for all of eight seconds? “It pisses me off! I’ve been saving myself for the right man, someone I can really have feelings for!”. Remember, when women hold other women to ridiculous double-standards, it’s not sexist anymore.

0:44:25: It’s important to raise the tension in the last half of the film, so we reveal that Jimmy’s ex has become a lesbian vampire herself and proceed to smash her head in with an axe before she can hurt our heroes, or do anything remotely interesting at all. Because the sight of a man bashing his ex girlfriend to death has the potential to be quite disturbing, we made sure that Fletch defused the tension with the comedic quip “Best to remember her the way she was, mate – a complete fucking bitch”.

0:49:16: Along with crucifxes, garlic and silver, lesbian vampires can also be held at bay by grabbing their boobs and forcing them against a wall while they scream and struggle helplessly. Unlike the old school methods, however, this one works on real women. Why not try it, or at least pause this scene and masturbate while imagining trying it?

0:56:03: Of course, not even the funniest comedy can sustain itself on laughs alone; it still needs a strong, dramatic story underneath to keep the audience interested. Being able to successfully combine both elements requires an almost clinical precision and an innate understanding of screen comedy, which is why we couldn’t be fucked and just threw in some embarrassing “relationship” dialogue that would be laughed off screen in Neighbours.

1:09:47: Another vital screenwriting principle is that characters only reveal their true nature when placed under incredible pressure. In this scene, faced with their impending death at the hands of the vampire coven, Jimmy whines about being a nice guy and Lotte really, really wants a good rodgering.

1:16:11: It’s good thing the lesbian Jimmy just impaled with a glowing metal penis was also a vampire, otherwise it the movie would have been pretty homophobic.

1:17:43: And they all lived heteronormitively ever after.